Dear Diary,

Confidence was nowhere to be found

Looking at my 17-year-old self. Saved and seriously involved in the church but barely with any personal direction for life or confidence. I realize now there was a problem with that, I was convinced that I had a duty to serve God but I couldn’t place a bet on his interest in my personal life, my dreams, the use of the gifts He had given me or my Joy as a person. But fast forward 3 years later,  who would have thought that the songs He had put in my heart in the weirdest places like a bus or in the toilet would become praise anthems around the world among young people who looked up to me, or worthy of recognition by musicians I looked up to. That I’d be spotted out by an Artiste I looked up to and my life would change completely or that I would acquire a law degree and masters a year after from one of the most recognized law institutions in the world. If all these had been prophesied to me by a man of God I probably would have said amen but without any faith.

However between all these happening and still ongoing was and is the struggle with confidence, am I good enough? can I do this? I always wrestled with the thought of whether I was smart enough for law school or good enough for a future spouse or witty enough to start a business or anything near to the ideal musician. I used to struggle with my grades and my thoughts about the future were constantly filled with fear. I used to think I’ll never make my family proud because I’m the least impressive of my siblings. In the midst of all this, I began to discover that confidence, unlike what we assume, is not action but inaction, comfortability rather than a shift from our comfort zone. Confidence is being completely comfortable with who God has made you to be and all He has gifted you with, being more consumed and in love with your qualities and uniqueness than an obsession with other people’s while belittling yours. Confidence is trusting that God has the future planned out and we can’t plan enough to exceed or even meet what he has in store for us. 

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Every day with me is another battle with being good or not good enough or knowing whether God will really come through with his promises on my life. Every now and then people send me messages like " I just want to be like you" but behind the scenes I’ve struggled with accepting my self or liking myself and every achievement has been a very serious struggle with self-value even with success in certain areas of my life. But looking at where I am recent, my confidence, even though still a work in progress, is a long way from where it used to be. I love the awkward things about myself, I love my weaknesses because they remind me of Hebrews 11:34 that says some of the great people we adore in the Bible through faith

Had their weaknesses turned into strength

I’ve come to realise that just as faith is not the absence of fear but “despite” fear, confidence is not the absence of self-doubt but in those moments of self-doubt taking comfort in who God has made us and who He is and knowing that what I am is enough for my own unique journey and He will do whatever he says he will do.

Emmanuel Nkamare aka Nkay is a Singer/Songwriter under Rocktown Records. Also an Energy and natural resources LLB and LLM graduate from the Queen Mary University of London.

Soundcloud: Nkay_Rocktownmusic

Social Media: @mr_nkay

Sandra Adeyeminkay, youth